And now for something completely different

At the beginning of each year there is one week where I get my 1950’s housewife on. I bake. From scratch. Mostly from scratch. Ok, on the whole, not really from scratch. But the point is: I BAKE.

In preparation for my return to work tomorrow I have baked muffins and biscuits. Muffins and biscuits, people. Muffins and biscuits.

Here are my hints and tips so that you too can become a glorious culinary god or goddess!

Step one:

Go to a supermarket for one size of ziplock bags so the treats can be apportioned, stored and ready to grab and go. Leave with three sizes of ziplock bags. Try not to think about how bad for the environment said ziplock bags are.

Step two:

Assemble ingredients. Realise a vital ingredient has not been purchased. Ask partner to go to shop for you. He/she says they will if you vacuum the floor. Return to shops yourself. Buy essential ingredient and several non-essential items you pass by.

Step three:

Open up Facebook to look for saved recipe. Get sidetracked. Half an hour later remember why you opened up Facebook in the first place. Find saved recipe.

Step four:

Add all ingredients. Start to combine. Take a rest when arm almost falls off due to entire lack of muscles. Recommence combining ingredients.

Step five:

Roll into balls that look disconcertingly like poo. Squish balls with a fork so they look less like poo.

Step six:

Place into oven. Forget to start timer. Have no idea how long the biscuits have been in the oven for. Open door and have a peek. Assume they are golden enough and remove from oven. Take photo for blog post.

Peanut butter and bacond biscuits, anyone?

Peanut butter and bacon biscuits, anyone?

Step seven:

Leave biscuits to cool and start muffins! Open up Facebook to look for saved recipe. Get sidetracked. Half an hour later remember why you opened up Facebook in the first place. Don’t find saved recipe. Go slightly insane trying to find saved recipe. Realise it’s on the box in front of you.

Step eight:

Follow recipe… blah blah blah… finally pop muffins into oven. Remember to start timer. Have a celebratory biscuit.

Step nine:

Go straight to Heaven because, damn, they are good! Like, really, really good! Like, you will make a quintuple batch next time good! Like, so freaking good that you will take these biscuits to all work morning teas from henceforth and everyone will ask you for the recipe and therefore cement your culinary god or goddess status!

Step ten:

Phone timer goes off. What… why…? Oh that’s right, you’re baking! Remove muffins from oven. Not so photogenic so decline taking photo for blog post.

Step eleven:

Look at mess in kitchen and wish you didn’t have to clean it up. Ask partner to clean up for you. He/she says they will if you vacuum the floor. Clean up yourself.

Step twelve:

Have a celebratory muffin. Go to… almost Heaven. They are not quite as spectacular as the biscuits. Those biscuits are pretty unbeatable because: peanut butter and bacon. Yes, peanut butter and bacon. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.

Step thirteen:

Apportion into ziplock bags and place into freezer. Freezer door will not shut. Swear. Uselessly move a few things about. Ask partner to help. He/she says they will if you vacuum the floor. Take matters into your own hands and remove three dinners worth of meat from the freezer, throw out forgotten frozen veggies that have been in the bottom drawer since you bought the freezer, eat a few more biscuits because: necessary space-saving. Finally get freezer door shut.

Step fourteen:

Collapse on couch. With a biscuit. Ok, with six biscuits.

The best part about these particular muffins and biscuits (did I mention that I made muffins and biscuits?) is that they are gluten and dairy free, reasonably high in protein and fat, and low in sugar to keep us on the plumper side and our pancreases happy. They are unobtrusive snacks for me to take to work meetings to keep my blood sugar levels out of the red zone and remain conscious and vaguely coherent when presenting my cases. Being conscious at work presentations is pretty important, FYI.

In two weeks I’ll probably be over my 1950’s housewife phase. Until then you know where to find me. I’ll be guarding the biscuit tin.


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